Cutting Strings

Yesterday I had another Thai Bodyworks therapy session, and my yogini really poured into my shoulders and neck.  A few months ago those parts were so tense and stressed that she was tempted to think that there had been some physical damage to my shoulder tendons or joints.  As it’s turning out, the likely cause has been years of emotional stress and trauma that exhibited itself as tension and pain.

But the best part was having her read my chakras, and she went deep inside.  Laying on my back on the mat on the floor, she held her hands to the top of my head; then at times covered one or both of my eyes.

She said she saw long colored strings, and they were reaching way back.  My thoughts were so agitated and hyperactive (although I thought I was in a calm state) that when she was finished she said the energy was still in her forearms.  Normally that doesn’t happen to a practitioner.

She said I am fiercely holding onto things in the past, and encouraged me to cut the strings and let it all go; to quit trying to hold on.  It was an extremely powerful session for me.

I have been meditating now for several years, and had no problem identifying those “strings” after she brought it to my attention.  I’m going to make sure that I cut all of those strings and allow myself to be free to move forward.

I’m excited again about starting anew.  I’d had that initially when she moved out, but had started to reach back; even back before her.  But cutting the strings feels great.  Freedom is a wonderful thing.

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Go your own way

Loving you
Isn’t the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel

If I could
Maybe I’d give you my world
How can I
When you won’t take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you wanna do

If I could
Baby I’d give you my world
Open up
Everything’s waiting for you

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way

The Fear of Being Alone

Robyn is terrified. She’s always had a boyfriend since she was 13. She has dated a number of guys but always had someone new lined up before she ended a relationship. Now 22, she’s just been dumped by the most recent boyfriend for being too needy. A demanding project at work has meant long hours at the office and no time to look for someone new. She hates being alone in her apartment at night. She doesn’t know what to do with herself on weekends. She feels empty and scared. She’s tried calling her ex but he’s put off by her tears. She’s running through her files for someone, anyone, who can fill up the hole in her life. She’s likely to fall into marriage with the first guy who shows interest just so she’ll never have to feel this way again.

Marriage does provide a partner in life but it doesn’t guarantee that the partner will be good at partnering. Sometimes people like Robyn luck out and find someone who is truly willing and able to be their best friend and companion. More often, they are terribly disappointed. In their rush to marry to fend off their fear of abandonment, they didn’t take the time to find someone who shared their interests and values.

Men can be as vulnerable to making these mistakes as women. Older people aren’t exempt either. Regardless of age or gender, the desire to marry, to have a constant partner, and to share a life is a healthy one. However, a wedding that’s a mistaken solution to personal or couple problems won’t guarantee a happily-ever-after marriage. That requires a union of two complete and whole adults who love each other deeply, unselfishly, and respectfully and who share a commitment to keep their wedding vows. Only then can a bond be created that withstands life’s challenges and deepens over time.

read more at:  5 Reasons Not To Marry the One You Love | Psych Central.

The pathologizing dynamics of coupledom

Singleness marks being alone in a nearly paralyzingly profound manner—so much so that indi­vidualism, the value of aloneness, can barely be thought unless we strip away the pathologizing dynamics of coupledom that at­tach to the individual a bitter affect we might call loneliness. But what I’ve come to understand is crucial:

Loneliness will not brand the single as much as aloneness does. The contemporary individual is not lonely, just single—but this is not culturally recognized.

Read the entire article at:  Being single and being lonely are not the same thing: An excerpt from Michael Cobb’s Single: Arguments for the Uncoupled. – Slate Magazine.

Divorce: don’t blame reality

When the reality of marriage doesn’t meet our expectations, we tend to blame reality.

When it comes to marriage, we expect the fairy tale. Raised on Cinderella and Ozzie and Harriet, we’re convinced that marriage will solve all of our problems, our partner will meet all of our needs, and that we’ll live happily ever after.

But a great many of us don’t get the happily-ever-after part; we get divorced. So where did we go wrong?

Mary Laner thinks that we expect too much. A professor of sociology at Arizona State University, Laner says that when the marriage or the partner fails to live up to our ideals, we don’t recognize that our expectations were much too high. Instead, we blame our spouse or that particular relationship.

“We think that our partner can meet all our needs, know what we’re thinking, and love us even when we’re not terribly lovable. When those things don’t happen, then we blame our partner,” Laner says. “We think that maybe if we had a different spouse, it would be better.”

The ASU sociologist studied the marital expectations of unmarried college students. She compared their expectations with those of people who have been married for about 10 years. The significantly higher expectations held by the students, she says, come straight out of the “happily ever after” fantasy.

“Such irrationality can lead us to conclude that when the ‘thrill is gone,’ or when the marriage or partner doesn’t live up to our inflated ideals, divorce or abandonment of the marriage in some other form is the solution,” Laner says.

In fact, the divorce rate in the United States is just over half of the marriage rate. Many researchers, including Laner, lay at least part of the blame for this statistic on those unrealistic expectations. Laner points out that much of the existing marital therapy literature is concerned with the problem. And, she adds, many of us continue to take our zealous ideas of what marriage should be into the next relationship and the next, and so on.

“People who marry again following divorce, one might think, would not carry along inflated expectations,” Laner says. “Yet, these second and later marriages have higher divorce rates than do first marriages. As far as expectations are concerned, this may be a reflection of the primacy of hope over experience, followed once again by disillusionment.”

more at The Myth of the Perfect Marriage | Psych Central.

Who’s cheating who?

No one begins a marriage expecting to cheat on their spouse. Vows are exchanged, promises are made and the marriage begins with love and high hopes.

The Statistics

And yet, according to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, approximately 50 percent married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some time in their marriage. And since it is unlikely that the people having affairs are married to each other in every case, the current statistics on the percentage of married couples who cheat on each other means that someone is having an affair in nearly 80 percent of marriages.

These numbers represent a huge jump in the past decade. A University of California study in 1998 reported that 24 percent of men and 14 percent of women had had sex outside their marriages. In only 10 years, those numbers have more than doubled.

via Percentage Of Married Couples Who Cheat.