Finding Love Again

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. First, you have to be ready to allow yourself to love again. This means choosing to move through the fear of being vulnerable again, to release the trepidation of another broken heart. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, simply welcoming love is not sufficient to make that special person appear; you…

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The ego compares us to others and then files it neatly away!!!

C PTSD - A Way Out

Strawberry shortcake: Grandkids influence
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A recent survey explained how some couples experienced good feelings or happiness because they were having more sex than the average couple. Another judgment we humans accept. Must be true.
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I might have disagreed with this statement twenty years ago, not now.
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Looking at this survey, we use comparisons to others as a basis for feeling happier than the next person. This is a flawed way of looking at life.
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We are not competing, comparing or needing to be better than others. This is false happiness, a cognitive comparison, aimed at making us feel better than the next human.
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If this were true, prostitutes would be far happier than any of us. This comparison destroys the premise of more sex being happiness.
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Watch what the ego brings forth as truth, like this idea of comparison. The ego always compares…

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It’s Not Alphabetical, But “Me” Comes Before “Marriage”

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses.  Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being.  The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation.  Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?

Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.

Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed.  We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another.  In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:

How…

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No Nonsense Psychology: Wilhelm Reich – Armoring

Wilhelm Reich was a student of Freud’s who believed that the body plays an important role in an individual’s expression. Crucial to his understanding of psychology is the concept of Armoring which is basically the physical component of repression as understood by Freud.

Armoring occurs when an impulse is halted at the muscular level. For example, it is natural for a child to cry when they are sad. However, a child who is punished for crying will find a way to inhibit this behavior. At first, this inhibition is conscious, and may include tensing the muscles of the eyes and face, holding the breath, or whatever else works that the child is capable of doing. Reich said that normally a child will cease the inhibition once the threat passes, but when a child is repeatedly subjected to the same kind of treatment, the inhibiting behavior becomes learned and integrated into the child’s way of being, along with the accompanying muscular armoring. It becomes habitual and unconscious, and the person no longer notices they are “doing” anything at all.

Reich viewed the purpose of this armoring as protecting the child from perceived threats, but the cost is the diminished freedom that comes fighting against constant muscular contraction as well the energy that is required to maintain this state of contraction.

You may be able to fight and win battles in a suit of armor, but when you’re wearing one all of the time without knowing it, it becomes impossible to dance.

via No Nonsense Psychology: Wilhelm Reich – Armoring.

Armoring

The main causes of tension are mechanical -like sitting at your desk all day in one position or participating in sports and the other type is emotional tension. Mechanical tension includes trauma, bad posture, and things like injuries. Environmental factors can also influence muscle tension. Breathing polluted air and eating the wrong foods can influence tension.

Emotional tension is also referred to as armoring (Willhelm Riech) When emotions are not felt fully at any stage of life they can become suppressed or repressed. Repression is the unconscious prevention of feelings. Suppression is the conscious prevention of feelings. Either way, we try to protect ourselves from having deep uncomfortable feelings by tightening muscles. Layers of tension develop starting at an early age.

The two types influence each other and are related to each other. Mechanical tension can usually easily be relaxed with a few sessions of massage. Emotional tension usually requires a series of regular massage sessions coming 2x a week for a few years or even more to break through.

Some causes of mechanical tension include:

Trauma, injuries, operations

Bad posture and physical habits like sitting for too long at the desk and on computers

Wearing high heels, sitting cross-legged.

Environmental factors such as standing on concrete, constant noise, poor lighting, pollution

Some causes of emotional tension include:

Repression of emotions at an early age in childhood

Ignoring or being unaware of your feelings at any given moment

Working in unfulfilling jobs or staying in unfulfilling relationships

Having very stressful situations such as divorce, death in the family, sick family members, moving, changing jobs etc.

Mechanical tension usually causes emotional tension. Emotional tension usually causes physical tension. Tension affects most every disease or condition of ill health. It cause pain and fatigue. A muscle held in chronic tension uses up energy and leads to muscle and over all fatigue. It restricts the freedom of movement. It reduces the ability to strengthen a muscle. It reduces your ability to breath deeply and efficiently.

Often there is so much tension it results in a lack of feeling in an area. Without an awareness of feeling you are more prone to injuries and disease.

Excessive tension can lead to many different diseases and conditions. It can cause pain in the muscle tissues and constrict the flow of blood and nutrients which are needed for just normal metabolism. Muscles can contract around blood vessels restricting the flow and resulting in poor circulation. A tense muscle also uses more energy and can lead to feeling fatigued. People who are tense often also take shallow breaths because the breathing mechanisms are restricted thus creating more tension. So it all becomes a viscous circle. When you are tense it can also cause a cascading effect of emotions such as anxiety and depression. It interferes with the ability to feel which is central to all aspects of life.

Getting regular massage can help alleviate mechanical and physical tension and help maintain a proper balance in the body thereby creating a healthier place to live.

via Muscle Tension : Are you tense?.

Love Addicts Anonymous

If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, you are probably a love addict. Remember that love addiction comes in many forms, so even if you don’t answer yes to all of the questions you may still be a love addict.

You are very needy when it comes to relationships.

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.

When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.

Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.

When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.

When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.

You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You are terrified of never finding someone to love.

You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.

You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.

You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).

When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.

You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).

More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.

You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.

You have stayed with an abusive person.

Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.

You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.

You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.

When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.

More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.

You have no impulse control when you are in love.

You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.

More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.

You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.

If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.

Love is the most important thing in the world to you.

Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.

As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.

You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.

via Love Addicts Anonymous.

A Closer Look at Tanning Beds and Melanoma

Why Does Sun Exposure Get so Much Negative Press?

The negative press about sun exposure and tanning is more than simple ignorance or lack of education on the part of government agencies and scientists. The truth is out there to be found, for those who want to find it. It again boils down to blatant greed. Multi-million-dollar corporations enjoy enormous profits from the products they sell to allay your fears. They create the fear so that they can sell you their solution:

Suntan lotions and creams

Sunless bronzers

Moisturizers with SPF

Sun-protective clothing

Anti-aging skin care

Think about how the ads for these products abound in winter and early spring when people worldwide flock to sunny climates for long-awaited vacations. This is the peak season for indoor tanning as well, and the market forces take full advantage. Consider the money to be made in a pairing between suntan lotion manufacturers and the travel industry – airlines, cruise lines, and the like.

Big Industry knows you will never give up your sunshine, and they’ve learned how to capitalize on it by creating a “sun-phobia” – with a lot of help from Big Pharma and the AMA.

It’s all about the money.

via A Closer Look at Tanning Beds and Melanoma.